I’m currently sat in a pub that was my ‘local’ in 2003/04. It’s strange being here for many reasons.
Most of all because my head is all over the place. Last time I drove back to this town (2 years ago) I came off the M1 and smiled broadly as I headed downhill toward Bedford.
Today my reaction was so different.
I became incredibly upset. That sensation that grows in the pit of your stomach until you can’t help but release the feeling via the tear ducts.
To put this all in to context for those who don’t know me, I grew up in Gloucestershire and then, in 2003 aged 20, I moved to this little town called Sandy in Bedfordshire. This was my home for 5 years.
I developed friendships (some of those people I now love like family and will see this weekend!), lost friends, had multiple jobs, lost love (that’s a long story and one only a few people actually know the truth about) and I found an inner strength I never realised I a) had or b) would ever need.
I did a lot of growing up in those years basically.
Last time I came here I was kind of in relationship with a guy living in the area and I remember talking to him about me moving in with him and coming ‘home’. As I sit here now I can’t help but wonder what would have happened if I had followed my heart. The guy in question was flakey and we were destined not to last! I’d probably still be in the area if I had moved back though. Possibly never to leave.
As I write this, I’m trying to work out why I had the reaction I did tonight.
I know for sure it’s not about Mr Flakey.
This is something I’ve been storing for a number of years I think.
This short section has taken me over half an hour to write… I’m still none the wiser… maybe it’ll come to me while I’m here.
I’m going to carry on with my pint Doombar and listen to UB40’s ‘Kingston Town’ which has just come on the speakers!